My room smells like vodka and shame
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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