I just threw up on my dentist
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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