Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
