where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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