just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
