Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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