Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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