I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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