i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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