what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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