And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
