i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
