so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
