We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.