now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
