That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
