the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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