just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
