There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
did you just send me my own nude
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.