i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?