Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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