Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
