You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
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My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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