it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
