if i died would you start the facebook group?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
