It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Pooping to opera.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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