Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
