No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
