Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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