I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
