The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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