I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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