rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
