i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
