Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
