Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
