shes about as inviting as chlamydia
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
