I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
