well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
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"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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