ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
