The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
