Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
