Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
