dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
