You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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