I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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