I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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