is your mom at the bar?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Less talking, more tequila
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
