There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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