You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
