spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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