Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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