My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
