tell your sister to shave her snatch
Ketchup is God's man juice
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
