Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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