brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
