No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
im six kinds of drunk right now
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
