I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
