I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
