Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
