ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
