i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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