we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
