That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
