My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize