i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Randomize
